Babyland General: Childhood Cabbage Patch Fantasy Meets Creepy Consumerism

As a socially conscious blogger, I feel the need to disclose certain information even if it's uncomfortable and disturbing. Today, I need to introduce you to Babyland General Hospital.

The Hubs and I met his family in north Georgia for the weekend, for some rest and relaxation. His nieces, as always when in north Georgia, wanted to make an afternoon trip to Babyland General Hospital, in Cleveland, GA. I agreed more excitedly than I probably should have because I love weird things.

For those of you who have not heard of this magical place, Babyland is where the cabbage patch kid is born. That's right, mother hill pushes out multiple babies a day from her little cabbage with a little help from some "imagicillin" and a CPD (Cabbage Patch Doctor). I have put together a little photo-journalistic collection of the experience for your viewing pleasure, in order that you might get the full experience.

Imagine this: you drive up to an immense white building on a hill. It has white columns and looks like a Gone With the Wind revival.




Not kidding...that is really Babyland General...intimidating? I feel under-dressed. 



Welcome to babyland. I will be your guide for this amazing journey into the American childhood experience!

When you enter Babyland, you make your way through the preemie ward, and various nurseries...

Overcrowding leads to unhealthy living conditions. With ten babies or more per bed, they're just asking for a Rubella epidemic. (p.s. What is Rubella?)

Um...the incubators in the back contain severed heads sprouting from cabbages...and yet none of the children are crying.

Here is a close-up

 Then you reach the center of the complex...the mecca...the hill of life from which babies are spawned:

Once here, you get to witness a "live birth." Let me break it down for you:

Everyone at Babyland is summoned over the loudspeaker to gather around the cabbage hill. It is like a cattle call of screaming and excited children and nervous-looking adults. Crystals light up suggesting that "Mother Cabbage" is in fact, ready to give birth (crystals will also change color to indicate if the cabbage is having a boy or a girl. The CPD announces that Mother Cabbage is "ten leaves dilated."The CPD gives mother a "shot of imagicillin" which hangs from the tree of life in an IV drip. This doctor then proceeds to pull a baby had first from a cabbage (glad that it is not a "branch" delivery), smack it on the bottom and then ask the children in the audience to name the baby. This results in the excessive screaming of children and ridiculous name combinations like Ebony Samantha, or Keyanna Jane. Children who did not speak up fast enough are crying. Then the doctor announces that the baby must have his/her first check-up at the nurses station, but after that Teague Benjamin will be available for adoption to one lucky child. (He does not mention that this newborn will cost $400 dollars.)

Want to get the experience for yourself? I found an amazing video on YouTube. I realize that it was filmed sideways, but it is the clearest and best video I could find to capture the weirdness:

Once the birthing is over, children run rampant through the cabbage patch store, grabbing item after item: the preemie, the newborn, the cabbage patch stroller. Parents suddenly are dropping ridiculous amounts of money on this paraphernalia. But tell me this, how could you not want to buy something to commemorate such an amazing experience? I could not resist the urge. I bought an imagicillin pen (shaped like a syringe...can't wait to take that through airport security!) and a small travel companion:

Travel chicken, meet your competition!

Meet Wilhemina! I chose the Asian doll because she had the coolest outfit...plus she was sporting a socially conscious breast cancer awareness stripe in her hair. Show you care...be aware!

Don't worry, this is not the last you will see of Wilhemina! She's bound for great adventures!!

Want you own fabulous Cabbage Patch memorabilia? Have at it!
Search Amazon.com for cabbage patch dolls